Fake but accurate courtesy Filthy Allah via DSM. Original here.

Posted by: Rusty at 11:22 AM | Comments (21) | Add Comment
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Hello America, I'm Larry King. My guest tonight is President Bush who is with us to talk about emergency preparedness and the federal government.

Mr. President, I noticed that the federal agencies have managed to respond much more quickly to Hurricane Rita than they did to Hurricane Katrina. Is that because they learned their lessons during Katrina? Or is it possibly because of the firing of Michael Brown?

President Bush: Well, Larry, I really don't think it's either. We just wanted to get there faster this time. After all, I can't let all those innocent people get killed right there in my home state. I might decide to run for Governor again.

King: So you're saying that you have more sympathy for the people caught in Hurricane Rita?

President Bush: Why heck yes. Didn't you hear my interview with Wolf Blitzer? And not only did we manage to get rid of all the Negroes, but did you know that New Orleans was filled with fornicators? That's a biblical word for people having sex. And according to my buddy Jerry, we can't let people do that. As a matter of fact, I'm going down to Florida next week to have a talk with my brother about why he evacuated all those homosexhuals from the Keys. Why he let the perfect opportunity to rid his state of most of the rif-raf slip straight through his fingers. more...

Posted by: Drew at 12:23 PM | Comments (3) | Add Comment
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(Denmark) The Danish government has launched a program which pays prostitutes to have sex once a month with disabled people.

The program has created some contentiousness, particularly from Danes that don't get taxpayer-funded hookers. The argument is that every Dane deserves free whores, not just the disabled.

My take is that this is a clear case of discrimination.

Posted by: Mike Pechar at 10:51 AM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
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Gwyneth Paltrow would feel much more at home in Europe where sophisticated and nuanced discussion of America boils down to clever cowboy metaphors and deep analysis about arrogant empires falling, you know, eventually.

We concur. Move to Europe Gwyneth Paltrow. You'll fit in better.

Globe and Mail:

Yes, well, I went to Spain in an exchange program at 15, and I've always been drawn to Europe. America is such a young country, with an adolescent swagger about it. But I feel that I have a more European sensibility, a greater respect for the multicultural nature of the globe. And it's a strange time to be an American now....

I feel like we're really in trouble. I just had a baby and thought, 'I don't want to live there [America].' Bush's anti-environment, pro-war policies are a dis. . . ." Well, you can guess the rest.

Posted by: Rusty at 01:18 PM | Comments (25) | Add Comment
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Alla Wartenberg scandal and photo gallery here. more...

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Dave Chappelle is back, only this time he's not funny.

AP

Comedian Dave Chappelle, who walked away from his hit TV series earlier this year, said working in front of smaller audiences is more his speed. Chappelle sold out 10 shows at a northern Kentucky club and said doing standup is "like I'm hanging out with a bunch of people."...

Chappelle has said he was unhappy with the direction of his show. His decision triggered reports that he had mental or drug problems, which he denied. "It was a little weird," he told the newspaper. "It felt like some of the stuff was real tabloid, like raw speculation. "It was like stuff I would normally buy and believe," he added, laughing. "I just took it as a learning experience. It was like becoming a public person and learning all the responsibility that comes with that."

We miss the funny Dave. Come back soon.

Hat tip: James Joyner

Posted by: Rusty at 01:08 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Who is the real Alla Wartenberg, one of the stars of the upcoming season of NBC's Apprentice? A video of her Apprentice audition can be seen here. According to her official website, the 31 year old immigrant from the Soviet Union is a self made multi-millionaire, owns a chain of upscale day spas, and is a real-estate tycoon. However, The Smoking Gun has learned that Ms. Wartenberg was once a Las Vegas stripper who went by the name of 'Ecstasy' at an upscale gentleman's club.

The mother of three was also doing $40 lap dances at precisely the time her biography claims she was starting her day spa business. Can you say happy ending?

Additionally, Alla Kosova, as she was then known, was the kind of dancer who you could pay to spend the entire evening with you--you know, an 'escort'. Eventually, one of her clients--or 'Johns'--became so infatuated with Alla Wartenberg-Kosova-Ectasy that it led to the murder of two Oregon women and a California man. The two women were lesbian lovers.

Kosova's usual MO was to tell her 'dates' that she wanted to marry them. Her 'regular' took her literally and in two robberies gone bad trying to get more money to spend on 'dates', Robert Acremant ended up killing three people. Acrement is now on death row in Oregon.

Wartenberg-Kosova admitted in court documents, though, that she was just using Acrement for the money but that there were never any 'intimacies' between them. Right. We believe you Alla, honey!

Seems to me that she'll fit right in at Donald Trump's house. Alla Wartenberg gallery below. Hat tip: Dummocrats more...

Posted by: Rusty at 04:15 PM | Comments (6) | Add Comment
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According to CNN, Bush took Sunday to perform his first tour of New Orleans. When asked if he thought that it would be disrespectful to the 9/11 victims to visit New Orleans on this day, Bush was quoted as saying "What 9/11 victims? Is that how many I managed to kill down here?"

Of course a stunned press asked him to elaborate on his remarks, he simply stated "We thought it was time to take out the trash. Maybe that'll teach them no-good negros about not voting Republican."

Later, CNN's Wolf Blitzer was able to get an exclusive interview with the President and received some elaboration on his remarks.

Blitzer: So, Mr. President, are you stating, for the record, that you are responsible for all of the deaths in New Orleans?
Bush: No, not all the deaths, but if we'd known that police were going to have to start shooting looters, we'd have sure gotten the Army in there quicker so we could have been responsible for a lot more.

Blitzer: Mr. President! That's horrible! But you do finally admit that your criminally negligent environmental policies are the root cause for this hurricane?
Bush: Environmental policies? No. Heck, we sent a space shuttle mission up just a few weeks ago with 100,000 cans of hair spray. We figured dumping that much aerosol directly into the ozone would surely have some sort of adverse effect. But we never dreamed it would start at Category 5 hurricane. This worked out much better than expected!

Blitzer: I see. So were you attempting to do anything specific with your plan of destruction, or just see where it led you.
Bush: Listen when I'm talkin, you dummy. Our whole goal was to wipe out all the poor negros down there. They're voting Democrat in droves and really putting a hurt on us at election time. The only part that really failed was that it came up short and didn't get the Hispanics in Florida at the same time.

Blitzer: So this is all just about getting Republicans elected.
Bush: Of course it is. Why else would we do anything. Do you think we really care about the people we're ruling, er, ah, here to serve?

Blitzer: Well I find all this to be absolutly horrible! I can't believe our government would do such a thing!
Bush: Why not? You people are ready to believe that we started the war in Iraq just because Saddam tried to kill my daddy (which is true, by the way). If you're going to believe the worst about us anyway, we might as well take advantage and just do it.

Blitzer: Well I never...
Bush: You better get used to it. Oh, and I'd stay out of California for about a month. Our earthquake machine is just about finished.

Blitzer: Well, there you have it people. All your worst fears confirmed. The Republicans are evil and are killing people just because they're poor minorities.
Bush: No, because they won't vote for us. Get it right or you'll be next.

Blitzer: This is Wolf Blitzer, signing off.

Originally posted at Conservative Friends.

Update: One of my diligent CF readers has found unreleased photos of Bush visiting New Orleans. These photos only serve to prove exactly how atrocious our President is. We must call for impeachment now!

Posted by: Drew at 06:49 AM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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Ang Lee's "Brokeback Mountain", a tale of homosexual love in the mountains of Wyoming, won the Venice International Film Festiva's Golden Lion award today. Once again proving that everything Eric Cartman ever says is always true.

The movie is adapted from a story by Annie Proulx and stars Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal as love-struck cowboys whose forbidden affair begins in 1963 and ends 20 years later. The director described the low-budget indie flick, shot in Canada to save money, as a story of love against adversity. (Reuters).

The AP describes the as being full of sweeping vistas, lonesome men, bucking broncos and smoldering campfires. It also has sex scenes between two men whose lives are changed, disturbed and entwined after being hired to tend sheep for a summer in Wyoming.

As of this writing, it is not known how much pudding is consumed in the film.

Actual South Park dialogue, describing the South Park Film Festival:

Cartman: No dude, independent films are those black and white hippie movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

Wenday: No they're not. Independent films are produced outside the hollywood system. They're movies without all the glitch and glamour of Hollywood.

Cartman: Well, you show one independent film that isn't about gay cowboys eating pudding.

Parker and Stone, modern prophets........

UPDATE: Kevin Aylward finds audio of part of the dialogue as well as a very Beavis and Butthead quote to go along with it.

Posted by: Rusty at 09:57 PM | Comments (19) | Add Comment
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Bob Denver, best known as Gilligan from Gilligan's Island, or possibly as Maynard G. Krebs for the older crowd, has died at 70 years old. We say farewell to an extraordinarily funny man.

Posted by: Drew at 02:08 PM | Comments (7) | Add Comment
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"Cindy Sheehan could be standing outside nude, wearing only her Birkenstocks, claiming that she is going to invade Bush's house and find evidence of wrongdoing and she wouldn't be able to draw one TV camera today."
Rush Limbaugh

Posted by: Drew at 11:23 AM | Comments (16) | Add Comment
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