February 26, 2005

Florida Judge Orders Pope Removed from Life Support*

Clearwater, Fla. In a shocking development in the Terri Schiavo case today, a Florida appeals court ordered Vatican doctors to remove all life support from the ailing Pope John Paul II.

In a decision sure to have international repercussions, Judge George Greer ruled that although Terri Schiavo's lawyers had provided substantial evidence that the Pontiff responded to external stimuli by doing such things as "eating, talking, praying, and blessing the faithful," that such behaviors were simple auto-responses that in no way proved any type of self-awareness. Despite plans to attend Sunday prayers tomorrow, the judge proclaimed the Pope to be in a "constant vegetative state".

"We understand and sympathize with the feelings that Catholics, Christians, and humanitarians of all stripes have for the Holy Father," Judge Greer announced from the bench, "but this is a nation of laws. As such we must not let any moral considerations, whatever their source may be, interfere with justice."

The judges order would require doctors at Rome's Gemelli hospital to withhold all medical care from the Pope, including food & water and strapping the Pope down if he reflexively objects that he is hungry and/or thirsty. However, the Court's order will not take affect until March 18th allowing time for the case to be appealed.

"We will appeal the case all the way to the Supreme Court," Terri Schiavo lawyer David Gibbs III said in a press conference immediately following the unexpected ruling.

NARAL, the ACLU, and attorney's for Michael Schiavo, Terri's husband, have already begun work on amicus curae briefs in support of the judges decision to euthenize the Pope. "The right to die is an essential aspect of human dignity," said George Felos, Michael Schiavo's attorney and spokesman, "and the right to kill those who no longer have any value and are a drain on the economy is unseperable from this right."

"The legal principle of convenience," he added, "has triumphed today over the arcane remnants of religious bigotry which threaten to shake the very foundations of our secular society had the judge not ruled in our favor."

Reactions from the Vatican were swift. An emergency meeting was called for all available ranking Church officials and thousands gathered for a candle-light vigil in Saint Peter's Square. A spokesperson for the Papal state immediately denounced the ruling as contrary to the teachings of the Church and said the Vatican would join the appeal to judge Greer's ruling.

Cardinal Theodore Edgar McCarrick of the Archdiocese of Washington, DC strongly condemned the ruling. When asked what the Church would do if John Paul were to lose the appeal, McCarrick said, "As Catholics we believe that preserving the sanctity of life is the first duty of governments and of individual followers of Christ."

"What judge Greer has done today is essentially to sanction the murder of the Holy See," he went on, "and we cannot and will not stand for this! We must protect the life of the innocent at all costs--even if that means a non-violent protest or fast of some kind. Maybe even a prayer vigil--a long one. I really hope that works."

Today's ruling came as a shock to many legal experts who claimed that the Pope had no standing in the Schiavo case and the court no authority to make the ruling. Even so, Harvard law professor Laurence Tribe announced his support of the decision as the logical extension of the application of internationl law in the US.

"Besides," said Tribe, "the guy is really old."

The Pope is expected to make a statement about the case tomorrow.

*satire

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February 25, 2005

Pimp My Tank

Funny. Beyond words, funny. (via Flea)

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February 24, 2005

$10,000 Reward Offered for Proof Gannon Slept With Top Officials (UPDATE: Gannon-Rather-KKKarl-Rove-Gate)

Blogger Kelly Ann Collins has teamed up with a 'source' to offer a reward for any one that had GAY KINKY-SEX with top-ranking (read: ANY Republican) government (read: or any one who has ever shaken a Republican's hand) official. None of this is about sex, of course, but did we forget to mention the fact that Jeff Gannon / James Guckert was a GAY KINKY-SEX PROSTITUTE & ESCORT and that we're looking for DNA evidence? From the post:

A wealthy Washington socialite is offering a $10,000 reward for proof that Jeff Gannon (pictured), an allegedly gay kinky-sex prostitute / escort / white house reporter / GOP operative, has had sexual relations with top-ranking government officials....

So, I ask again -- have you seen this man? Have you slept with this man? Do you know this man?

A local socialite, who wishes to remain anonymous, has teamed up with this site to offer a $10,000 reward to anyone that can provide hard proof (photos, phone pictures, locks of hair, DNA on a suit) that Jeff Gannon had ANY sexual -- or romantic -- relationship with any top-ranking officials here in Washington.

HT to Wonkette who adds:
Huh. Since when is Matt Drudge a "local socialite"? Also: expect giggling over the definition of "top-ranking." Heh.
Update: Goldstein and Ace offer their commentary.

UPDATE II: Jeff Gannon has his own blog (ht: Hubris in PW comments)

UPDATE SO CRITICAL I'M STRIKING ALL THE NONSENSE I WROTE BELOW ABOUT HOW THE WHOLE JEFF GANNON THING WAS REALLY NO BIG DEAL:

In a revelation so shocking that it will bring the citizen-journalist phenomenon to a halt and will no doubt usher in the era of the politician-journalist, Rep. Maurice Hinchey (D-NY) has revealed that Jeff Gannon was responsible for breaking Rathergate which proves once and for all the KKKarl Rove did forge those documents in a grand conspiracy (no doubt orchestrated by Shrimp-Chub-Bush's masters in the Illumnati-Trialateral-Zionist-Haliburton-Mossad Commission).

How does he know? He can feel it, man. He can feel it.

Charles Johnson first broke this amazing revelation which is sure to break my spirits and lead me to volunteer for the Media Matters empire which, incidentally, is run by David Brock the man who was deceived--just like I have been--by the vast right--wing-Christian-Coalition conspiracy into writing the journalistic masterpiece and Pulitzer nominated books The Real Anita Hill & The Seduction of Hilary Rodham before he saw the light and joined the left-wing-gay-outting integrity filled and Soros funded empire of Media Matters and wrote the classic and acclaimed The Republican Noise Machine: The Right-Wing Media and How it Corrupts Democracy.

Ace and Rob have more. Both obviously still deceived by the corporate media.

Instapundit chimes in on KKKarl Rove-Gannon-Rathergate, kinda. Did you know Glenn Reynolds writes for MSNBC, a subsidiary of NBC, a subsidiary of General Electric which also happens to build the jet engines for the US war machine. Who profitted from the Iraq war? Follow the money, man. Follow the money.

UPDATE III: On a serious note, the other day MSNBC ran every single question asked by Gannon in news conferences. Not a single one seemed out of the ordinary. Not a single one seemed any less inane and trite than ones offered by legitimate reporters. None.

But what about all the softball questions?

The hard questions are the ones you want asked. It's all subjective. To the folks at Media Matters the hard questions are never asked.

I take it anything short of 'Ari, when is Bush-Hitler going to admit he lied to lead us into war so that we could steal oil for Haliburton and murder innocent Iraqi children and torture prisoners at Abu Ghraib?' would suffice.

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February 23, 2005

Democratic Underground Ouija Board

Iowahawk forces me to break out the gaybell!!! More Gannon-bell, please!!!! more...

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February 22, 2005

C-3PO Comments On Paris Hilton and Other News

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If you would like C-3PO to comment on one of your blog posts, just send a trackback or e-mail me.

C-3PO comments on images found on Paris Hilton's hacked Sidekick: "Oh my!"

On Jeff Ganon/James Guckert's plans to sue Media Matters: "R-2 says the chances of winning are seven-hundred and twenty-five to one."

On Bill Burkett plans to sue CBS News for publishing his phony memo:""Sometimes I just don't understand human behavior."

On the USA Next advertisement: "Good heavens, gay you say?"

On former Kerry advisers working for the UN and making anti-Fox News ads:"I believe they think I'm some sort of god."

On Taliban giving up in Afghanistan:""Wait a minute! Where are you going!"

On the British Navy recruiting the gays:"Are they in need of a protocol robot?"

On Congressman Hinchey's retreat from reality: "Oh switch off!"

On Elizabeth Hurley in new Harry Potter movie: "Fabulous."

On Japan considering outlawing knives: ""Are you sure this thing is safe?"

On ex-Turkish PM on trial for fraud and corruption: "I believe it's some sort of Jawa dialect, sir."

On Simon's Asian blog roundup: "I am programmed in over 6 million languages, sir."

On the New Blog showcase:"We have found the computer outlet sir."

On the Llama Butchers:"The above photo-shop is designed primarily for Steve's screensaver? I'm not telling him that."

Update: On the Earthquake in Iran: "It's against my programming to impersonate a deity."

Update II: On efforts to remove life support from Terry Schiavo:"See above."

On Ward Churchill getting tenure by mistake:"I'm sorry, sir, my irony circuits seem to be on overload."

Update III: On the Editor's engagement to be married:"I say, good show."

On Hawaii outlawing the consumption of dog and cat meat:"Oh no the Rancor!"

Update IV: On Bush efforts to reforge old alliances: "Do take good care of yourself."

On President's day:"R2d2 You know better than to talk to a strange computer."

On Democratic Underground Hunter S. Thompson conspiracy theories:"Good heavens, no!"

UPDATE 2/23: On Michael Schiavo's attempts to kill his wife Terry: Click to here

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February 19, 2005

Bad Naked

There is an old stereotype about nudists. Stereotypes are not always true, only mostly true. That is why they tend to be so long-lasting. Here is the evidence. (safe for work)

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February 11, 2005

Certifiable

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Ironical.

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February 09, 2005

White Trash Wednesday: Bi-Mon-Sci-Fi-Con Edition

Unknown to many amateur Trashologists, the common scrota albeo (or 'the trash that is white') is divided into many subspecies. The Trailor Parker (double-widus hortus) is only the most visible, but the genus takes in at least 14 distinct varieties.

Today's subject of study is the cellarius matera, or "the one who dwells in mother's basement".

Four distinct features distinguish cellarius matera from other scrota albeo:
a) Rearing time. Unlike other scrota albeo, who are thrown out of the nest some time between their 14th and 17th birthday, cellarius matera needs an additional 20-30 years before it leaves it's close family unit.
b) Social structure: Unlike other scrota albeo, cellarius matera leads a solitary life. Don't go looking for cellarius matera at the annual NASCAR migration.
c) Mating habits: Unlike other scrota albeo, cellarius matera does not mate until its thirty-fifth year and never with its cousin. Mating is such a rare occurence that some have speculated that cellarius matera dies after its first mating but no evidence exists of this phenomenon.
d) Sex ratios: For every 20 male cellarius matera there is only one female. This might explain their strange mating habits.

Recently I was on a stakeout when I was able to snap a shot of this fine specimen. Notice how the cellarius matera camaflouges itself to look like the much more common nerdicus physiologia? But there is no camaflouging this speciman. This one is definitely from Jesus Land!

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Hat tip: Professor Chaos. Related. For more Trashology visit the other bloggers celebrating White Trash Wednesday!

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Czechs Refuse North Korean Demands to Ban Team America: World Police

Czech Republic, F-Yeah, Coming to Save the MoFo World Again!! Via Simon who has, as always, an excellent roundup of all the news fit for blogging in Asia. AP:

North Korea (news - web sites)'s embassy in Prague has demanded that the film "Team America: World Police" be banned in the Czech Republic, saying the movie harms their country's reputation, a report said Saturday.
North Korea has an ambassador to the Czech Republic? Man, I bet he's so ronery. The Czechs, for their part, told the NK ambassador to go jump in a shark tank.

More from North Korea Zone and The Marmot

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February 07, 2005

Andrew Sullivan Found!!

Scroll down for AS secret location....but in the meantime did you watch The Simpsons last night?? I mean, come on, they gave Comic Book Guy a name!!! more...

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Germany shows its love for the country that gave it freedom of speech

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February 04, 2005

Why Janeane Garofalo Ought to Date Prince Harry

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More from Kevin McCullough

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