Somebody issue a fatwa.
I ran out of toilet paper this morning so I used what was available next to the can: A copy of the Koran.
Specifically pgs. 137-138 of Arthur J. Arberry's 1955 The Koran Interpreted. The part where Allah condemns the J-O-Os. Then I got the last few dingleberries off using pg. 139-140 where it says, "They are unbelievers who say, 'God is the Messiah, Mary's son," and where it says, "They are unbelievers who say, 'God is the Third of Three....If they refrain not from what they say, there shall afflict those of them that disbelieve with a painful chastisement."
The problems with wiping your ass with an old copy of the Koran are manifold. For instance, the shit doesn't really cling to the pages in the same way as it does to your every day TP. So you have to wipe like twice as many times. This leaves severe Quran induced ass rash and doesn't leave you feeling quite as fresh as you'd like. Ouch.
Then there's the flushing problem. Do not attempt to flush more than one page of shit-stained Quran down the toliet at once. Trust me.
Stay tuned. This whole thing will culminate with lighting the Koran on fire, and seeing if pissing on it will put it out. If not, I may have to put the whole thing in toilet. Safety first, that's my motto.
I'll fire up the old digital cam if you don't believe me. The first ever photoblogging to start a riot!
1
Dude, I hope you have better luck than I did with my "mohammed was a pimp" post.
Posted by: Eric at May 25, 2005 02:19 PM (Kr6/f)
2
After over a year of trying to get a fatwa this has got to work......
Posted by: Rusty Shackleford at May 25, 2005 02:21 PM (JQjhA)
3
Watch out for paper cuts. Thems things hurt like an S.O.B. down there, let me tell you.
Posted by: Wine-aholic at May 25, 2005 02:25 PM (Wsn+K)
4
Koran induced rectal paper cuts??? Sounds like you've had some experience....
Posted by: Rusty Shackleford at May 25, 2005 02:28 PM (JQjhA)
5
No, its greg who has the most experience exploring his ass.
Posted by: Robin Roberts at May 25, 2005 02:45 PM (xauGB)
6
Although I doubt anyone in the national media cares about this blog or you to report it or any terrorist organization for that matter, but if it does somehow lead to violence then I doubt you will be as giddy as you are now.
And you wonder why google dropped your ass.
Posted by: Jim at May 25, 2005 02:46 PM (3Esov)
7
Lighten up, Jim. I mean, come one - fascism is funny, after all.
Posted by: Editor at May 25, 2005 02:48 PM (adpJH)
8
You know what else is funny -- massive anal bleeding due to Koran/Qu'ran/"Tippacanoe and Tyler too" paper cuts. I wonder how certain nutjobs feel about ass blood dripping on their favorite bestseller?
If only I had kept the damn pictures...
Posted by: Wine-aholic at May 25, 2005 02:52 PM (Wsn+K)
9
Jim needs his yard TP'd...
But with actual TP. Not Koran pages.
Posted by: Hoodlumman at May 25, 2005 02:52 PM (1iJzK)
10
If you're going to post any pictures of your body parts, please do so "below the fold". Or at least warn me so I can set down my beverage first.
Now let's see, I had a blank fatwah form around here somewhere......
Posted by: Oyster at May 25, 2005 03:08 PM (fl6E1)
11
Does a massive turd count as 'body parts'?
Posted by: Rusty Shackleford at May 25, 2005 03:10 PM (JQjhA)
12
Yes Jim, your right. No one will be giddy, but we will be psyched, pumped, jacked, juiced, cranked, beefed, stoked, elated........I hope I didn't offend your delicate sensibilities there Jimbo. You know jimmy, you should have a bit more respect for the Dr. If he had beaten that german shepard up the stairs, he'd be your father now.
Posted by: steve miller at May 25, 2005 03:12 PM (zU2g1)
13
Can you put one of those mypetjawa.mu.nu property logos over the turd? That would be preferable.
Posted by: Editor at May 25, 2005 03:18 PM (adpJH)
14
Yes, along with the obligatory *****MUST CITE JAWA REPORT****ALL TURD IMAGES PROPERTY OF THE JAWA REPORT*****
Posted by: Rusty Shackleford at May 25, 2005 03:20 PM (JQjhA)
15
Flu pandemic 'could hit 20% of world's population'
http://www.guardian.co.uk/birdflu/story/0,14207,1492072,00.html
“A global taskforce should be urgently formed to tackle a potential influenza pandemic that could affect 20% of the world's population, trigger economic disaster and kill millions, experts warned today.”
Speaking of massive turds... Forget nukes, chemical and biological weapons, as reported in the world's premiere scientific journal, Nature, the H5N1 bird flu strain is a real concern.
Posted by: greg at May 25, 2005 03:22 PM (/+dAV)
16
Gee Jim, I hate to burst yer bubble, but Michelle Malkin, who links to this blog frequently, is a national media figure.
Posted by: Eric at May 25, 2005 03:25 PM (Kr6/f)
17
Not really. She wishes she was. And if you think she is going to trackback to this turd post then you are out of your mind. She pretends to be professional.
Posted by: Jim at May 25, 2005 03:29 PM (3Esov)
18
I use the Koran to check my oil and to wash my windows...its better then newspaper!
Posted by: Cerberus at May 25, 2005 03:36 PM (WroTQ)
19
Lighten up, Frances...er, Jim. We're just having a little fun. I'll bet you're a blast at parties.
Now, Rusty....I found that fatwah
here. I apologize for the impersonal aspects of it, but you know, it's hard with all the fatwahs flying around these days to personalize each one. I have my hands busy with beheadings all week.
Love,
Mullah al Oyster
Posted by: Oyster at May 25, 2005 03:43 PM (fl6E1)
20
Oyster,
Thanks. But I need a REAL fatwa to really satisfy my urge......
Posted by: Rusty Shackleford at May 25, 2005 03:48 PM (JQjhA)
21
How can you say that's not real? It has the official seal???
Posted by: Wine-aholic at May 25, 2005 03:55 PM (Wsn+K)
22
Dear Dr. Shackleford:
I represent the Macarthur Foundation and was directed by a colleague to your grant proposal here. Ordinarily we prefer our performance-art grant applications to come through a more formal process; however, your nontraditional and transgressive proposal has intrigued us.
We are prepared, in theory, to subsidize your explorations of the de/secration of sacred space. However, some of us are a bit concerned by your choice of subject matter. Certainly, if you wish to subvert the oppressive and colonial structures of belief regulation by "colonizing" them within your own "profane space" a more appropriate subject could be discovered than the Holy Qu'ran, if you know what we mean. And I think you do.
So please regard this as invitation to resubmit your proposal, with an eye to incorporating sacred objects from a different faith, preferably a faith that is threatening to take over the United States with its murderous nazi-like theocratic fascism, yet whose more extreme murderous nazi-like adherents will not actually assassinate our families and firebomb our headquarters based on a perceived insult.
I trust I've made myself clear?
Posted by: Mr. C. Dubya, grant administrator at May 25, 2005 04:07 PM (OKZme)
23
Dear Grant Administrator,
I'm just not sure I'm into the whole 'inserting a crucifix into my rectum' thingy.......
Posted by: Rusty Shackleford at May 25, 2005 04:22 PM (JQjhA)
24
http://roomforrant.blogspot.com/2005/05/this-needed-to-be-said.html
yeah...I'm from NC...the place is alllllrighttt..
Posted by: Mr. K at May 25, 2005 04:26 PM (vTd+4)
25
Hmm...what about a little bitty Star of David? Twenty thousand for a Star of David. You want the full fifty, we gotta have the crucifix, habibi. And we'll throw in five large each for a Book of Mormon and a copy of The Purpose Driven Life. The newest edition of the Episcopalian Book of Common Prayer? We'll buy you lunch at the Olive Garden for that one. How's that strike you?
Posted by: Mr. C. Dubya, Grant Administrator at May 25, 2005 04:35 PM (OKZme)
26
I'm not sure I have enough room...maybe Wonkette would be a better choice for the Star of David butt-insertion performance art? Besides, I've never seen a group of Hassids riot although that would be a funny visual.......
Posted by: Rusty Shackleford at May 25, 2005 04:46 PM (JQjhA)
27
My understanding is that a Koran needs to be written in Arabic in order to be considered 'sacred', in the sense of 'able to be desecrated'.
So, the arabic holy text written in English is not sacred, even if printed on two-ply facial quality paper.
btw -My performance piece grant application involves having the Koran written in Arabic using henna ink on the thighs of 72 go-go dancers followed by a variety of dancing of a rhythmic nature, possibly involving poles and dollar bills.
I'll need approximately $1.2MM US.
Posted by: BumperStickerist at May 25, 2005 06:01 PM (C/R6J)
28
Would the dancers be Jewish?
Posted by: Macarthur Grant Guy at May 25, 2005 06:06 PM (OKZme)
29
Having a nationally syndicated newspaper column and being a bestselling author is only what Michelle Malkin wishes? Oh, yeah, in case you missed it, she's been subbing for O'reilly lately, the top rated primetime show in cable news.
Jim, you're a raving assmonkey.
And I don't care if she t/b's to this post or not. She's t/b'd to this blog several times before.
Besides, Rusty only gets self-actualized feelings when *I* trackback to his posts.
hehehehehe
Posted by: Eric at May 25, 2005 06:19 PM (Kr6/f)
30
Click the link and check out the images. Listen to the catchy tune playing in the background:
http://islamcomicbook.com/
Enjoy
Posted by: mike at May 25, 2005 07:00 PM (W1mrP)
Posted by: blue at May 25, 2005 07:02 PM (PFuWA)
32
Maybe we can find someone to print the koran scroll-style on real TP, so as to get the best of both worlds.
Posted by: Improbulus Maximus at May 25, 2005 07:10 PM (0yYS2)
33
I used the Koran to whisper sweet nothings to my 9 year old wife Aiesha!
Posted by: Mohammed at May 25, 2005 07:11 PM (aOdj4)
34
"but if it does somehow lead to violence then I doubt you will be as giddy as you are now"
Jim is right, under the pressure of possible unreasonable inexplicable violence, the only real possibility is to cave like a Frenchman. Don't ever do anything to possibly upset them and provoke such violence.
Oh, and Jim... if you don't vote straight Republican ticket in the next 3 elections, I'm strangling kittens until my arms get tired. Don't even think of crossing me here, or those kitten deaths will be 100% your fault (and no fault of mine).
Posted by: Gekkobear at May 25, 2005 08:42 PM (XWr9N)
35
Eric, shut your ass up. Just because nobody cares about your blog doesn't mean you have to defend the impact of this one. Michelle Malkin might trackback OCCASIONAL crap to here but she would never actually support filth like this on her blog or on tv. Why? Because again she tries to be professional. She wants to be considered influential and you can't do that by bragging about deficating on holy books. Hey she might think about it but she would never come out and say it. Why? Because she would lose money.
Face it guys, she (and most of you) does it for the money. The blogads space. The guest speaker charges. Blah Blah Blah. She sold books more because of shock value then due to actual merit. Her work has been debunked several times and the only reason she is on fox is because white republican men like to jack off to her. She is ratings bait. She essentially used 9/11 to further her career by Eric, shut your ass up. Just because nobody cares about your blog doesn't mean you have to defend the impact of this one. Michelle Malkin might trackback OCCASIONAL stuff to here but she would never actually support filth like this on her blog or on TV. Why? Again, because she tries to be professional. She wants to be considered influential and you can't do that by bragging about defecating on holy books. Hey she might think about it but she would never come out and say it. Why? Because she would lose money.
Face it guys, she (and most of you) do it for the money. The blogads space. The guest speaker charges. Blah Blah Blah. She sold books more because of shock value then due to actual merit. Her work has been debunked several times and the only reason she is on fox is because white republican men like to jack off to her. She is ratings bait. She essentially used 9/11 to further her career by saying controversial things during fragile times.
She is always bitching about MTV corrupting our young girls but she allows ads on her page showing big breasted models with tight conservative t-shirts and some carrying guns no less. She is a hypocrite.
So Eric, until she gets HER OWN SHOW on national television, then you can suck my balls. She can go on selling herself out and Rusty can go on trying to get his fatwa. ItÂ’s all getting old to me. Actually you sucking my balls doesnÂ’t get old so please continue. Jackass.
Posted by: Jim at May 25, 2005 09:09 PM (3Esov)
36
woops, sorry about the double post...can't see what im writing in the comment window and i pasted twice when transferring here.
Posted by: Jim at May 25, 2005 09:12 PM (3Esov)
37
Jim,
Good job there,
"She do it for the money. She is ratings bait. She essentially used 9/11 to further her career. She do it for the money. She is ratings bait. She do it for the money. She do it for the money..."
You ever personally send her hatemail because she has posted lots just like yours.
Posted by: PETN Sandwich at May 25, 2005 09:54 PM (YXkWI)
38
I'll second Cerberus on the soft absorbency of the Koran. I like using several pages of it to soak up the grease when I fry a bunch of bacon.
Oh, btw, Jim? Congratulations, I see your hard study at being a good dhimmi is paying off. You may welcome your new Islamist Overlords, but count me out.
Posted by: Darleen at May 26, 2005 12:19 AM (FgfaV)
39
Yeah yeah yeah...I am a dhimmi. Yet I would have said the same shit to any asshole that bragged about defecating on the Torah, Bible or whatever holy book you can think of. Give me a break with this shit.
Lets see how you react to this:
Hey guys! I just finished wiping my ass with the bible and decided to masturbate to some nazi propoganda footage and then used the bible again for cleanup. Dual purpose!
I guess you think that is funny too huh? Hypocrites.
Posted by: Jim at May 26, 2005 12:52 AM (3Esov)
40
Hey PETN Sandwich, I didn't bring up Michelle Malkin, that bitch Eric did. I just expressed how I felt. I am not going to email my opinion on her because frankly I don't want to waste my time. I just ignore whatever she says. Its that easy.
Posted by: Jim at May 26, 2005 12:54 AM (3Esov)
41
Do it! Do it! Do it! I hope this isn't just a joke post. I want to see the video!
Posted by: Mark James at May 26, 2005 12:58 AM (1RZS2)
42
I fart in the Quran's general direction!
Posted by: Sean the INFDL at May 26, 2005 01:57 AM (ptLBd)
43
Mike: That comic book is hilarious! I'm downloading, having it bound in professioal leather and giving it to all my friends for Christmas.
Posted by: Oyster at May 26, 2005 07:01 AM (YudAC)
44
Jim, here is what you said:
"Although I doubt anyone in the national media cares about this blog"
I merely pointed out that someone in the national media cares about this blog.
As for my blog, well, it's doing just fine, fuckyouverymuch.
Like a good little DU inmate, you couldn't handle the unvarnished truth.
Poor Jim, you're so blinded by anger and homoerotic fantasies you can't even post a simple comment properly.
France is calling, Jim, run to her.
Posted by: Eric at May 26, 2005 07:11 AM (Kr6/f)
45
PENIS CLOSES ROAD
http://www.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,91059-13355259,00.html
“A large fake penis has caused a major terror alert in America.
A key highway though Florida was closed after a driver spotted what looked like a pipe bomb under an overpass.”
False Alarm Yet Again!
Posted by: greg at May 26, 2005 08:15 AM (/+dAV)
46
Dear Mr Java Report,
I read your idea of using koran as TP and I really liked it. IÂ’m italian and italians are lazy thats why I didnt read all your warnings. Now my bathroom is a mess, becouse of the damn koran! ItÂ’s really impossible to flush it away
IÂ’m gonna sue you for dangerous advertising: koran sucks as TP
Anyway. If any of your non-italian reader wants to help us in the Fallaci-gate, he can wite an e-mail directly to:
Armando Grasso
tribunale.bergamo@giustizia.it
Posted by: KrilliX at May 26, 2005 08:25 AM (cgkNn)
47
Shouldn't that have been, "Mister-ah Jawa Report-ah"?
Posted by: Editor at May 26, 2005 10:14 AM (adpJH)
48
Yes, sir
I'm sorry, sir
You're right, sir
I'm just a lazy italian krill, sir
Posted by: KrilliX at May 26, 2005 10:23 AM (ByTzj)
49
Somehow, I now think less of Italy...
Posted by: A Finn at May 26, 2005 11:10 AM (lGolT)
50
I'm certain there are better ambassadors for Italy than this Krill shill.
Posted by: greg at May 26, 2005 11:15 AM (/+dAV)
51
I'm sure there are better ambassador for Italy.
I'll be glad if you can help us spamming Oriana's fascist prosecutor. Mr Grasso will not change his mind, but it would be just great if he receives mails from Usa.
Posted by: KrilliX at May 26, 2005 11:58 AM (ByTzj)
52
Jim,
There is a difference between being offended by an offensive act and acting out in violence because of an offensive act. It is inherent in the very definition of 'tolerance'. I admit that this post was offensive--but that was sort of the point. How much 'tolerance' does the Muslim world really have when in even the most liberal Muslim countries outlaw blasphemy and make it illegal for a Muslim to leave the faith??
Posted by: Rusty Shackleford at May 26, 2005 12:00 PM (JQjhA)
53
I clean up after my camels with a copy of the Quran. Absorbant!
Amazing how the degenerate libs run with this story.
Posted by: Filthy Allah at May 26, 2005 12:12 PM (yBHNA)
54
Did you know that John Kerry served in Viet Nam?
Posted by: OB Snooks at May 26, 2005 12:14 PM (yBHNA)
55
Filthy got ahold of some knockoff Scott Biao porn and has been on a 3 week masturbation binge.
Posted by: greg at May 26, 2005 12:15 PM (/+dAV)
56
Has anyone else noticed that while Fiilthy has been gone so too has Obsnooks, Earl Dittman and Fancypants. Ah, the many roles that Filthy plays.
Posted by: greg at May 26, 2005 12:18 PM (/+dAV)
57
KrilllX,
I don't think people realize that you are posting about Fallaci.
Try posting at http://mypetjawa.mu.nu/archives/083895.php
and being more explanatory. This isn't Italy and were not very familiar wiith the issue you are putting forward.
ascolta mi
Good luck.
Posted by: greg at May 26, 2005 12:21 PM (/+dAV)
58
Glad you missed me. Notice that your son is walking funny Greg?
Posted by: Filthy Allah at May 26, 2005 12:28 PM (yBHNA)
59
No, did he sprain his ass butt fucking you again? I''ll have to have another sit down talk with him again.
Posted by: greg at May 26, 2005 01:29 PM (/+dAV)
60
WOW! Greg goes right to the Anal sex. Like a typical liberal.
Posted by: Filthy Allah at May 26, 2005 01:39 PM (yBHNA)
61
"I'm certain there are better ambassadors for Italy than this Krill shill."
Greg,
I'm sure you feel more comfortable with Guiliana Sgrena as Italy's ambassador.
Please, promise all of us you'll never procreate.
Posted by: Oyster at May 26, 2005 01:43 PM (fl6E1)
62
I have already told you that I have Oyster. Apparently you have no long term memory.
Since you are such a warmonger I ask you if your children are fighting in Iraq?
Or if you're not yet 40 years of age, why don't you join the Army Reserves?
Chickenhawk!
Posted by: greg at May 26, 2005 02:04 PM (/+dAV)
63
If you want to flush the book, you will first have to shred it.
Posted by: lemuel at May 26, 2005 03:06 PM (aOCIX)
64
Argue against the Koran but talking about flushing it gives it an authority it does not possess.
Posted by: Young Bourbon Professional at May 27, 2005 10:42 AM (x+5JB)
65
"I admit that this post was offensive--but that was sort of the point."
Wow Rusty you sound like Ward Churchill.
Posted by: Jim at May 27, 2005 11:16 AM (3Esov)
66
I'm new here but I think what you need is to get the Koran printed on proper toilet paper. That's the trick. (it'd be a great seller to)
You can already get the Christian bible printed on toilet paper, I think its published by the Gideon society.
Posted by: anon at June 09, 2005 05:13 PM (h+8Jn)
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