June 28, 2005

Scientists piss off PETA by reanimating dead dogs

Some scientists have discovered a way to re-animate dead dogs.

They drain the dogs of all their blood, preserve all their organs, and then bring them back to life by putting their blood back in their veins.

Supposedly the goal of these scientists is to save the lives of crime and war victims.

Needless to say, PETA is outraged.

In the unsettling tests, dogs of all breeds and sizes are put under, their veins drained of blood and filled with an ice-cold salt solution which drops their body temperature from a normal 101 degrees to near freezing.
That puts them in a state of extreme hypothermia, making them scientifically dead — with no breathing, heartbeat or brain activity. But their tissues and vital organs are preserved.

The corpses are then brought back to life by returning the blood to their bodies, giving them pure oxygen and applying electric shocks to restart their hearts.

For a long time, the test subjects couldn't be brought back to life after more than two hours. But recently, the researchers added glucose and more oxygen to the blood and have pushed the maximum time the dogs can be dead to three hours.

"We've tried to get it to four hours, but we just haven't been able to do it," Kochanek told The Post.

The lucky ones turn out to be perfectly normal with no brain damage — although other dogs are stricken with serious physical or behavioral problems.

"We do not in any way say that every outcome is normal," Kochanek said.

He said his goal is to be able to put humans, such as critically wounded soldiers or stabbing or shooting victims, in a state of suspended animation for a few hours until they can receive proper medical help.

And his team is now in talks with hospitals about starting trials for trauma patients.

Interesting.

I did some research of my own, and sent my very own highly reliable and anonymous source to the press conference:

"Uh yes, you in the back"
"Dr. Kochanek, is it true that you are secretly creating a race of zombie dogs fit for a Stephen King novel?"
"Well, frankly, yes, son, that's exactly what we're doing here. We haven't discussed things with Mr. King yet, but we think the deal will work out. And if he doesn't want to pay us for book rights for this material, we will sic a pack of zombie dogs on him."

Stephen King was unavailable for comment
due to being underneath a pack of zombie dogs.

Posted by: Suzanne at 03:24 PM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
Post contains 440 words, total size 3 kb.

1 And how, pray tell, do they procure these dead dogs? Or do they kill live canines?

Posted by: Young Bourbon Professional at June 28, 2005 03:34 PM (x+5JB)

2 Science has advanced. They have been doing this with mice since the 80's

Posted by: Howie at June 28, 2005 03:36 PM (D3+20)

3 >>>"Or do they kill live canines?" Yup. And then they ship them to Korea to be eaten as delicacies. Barbarians.

Posted by: Carlos at June 28, 2005 03:47 PM (8e/V4)

4 Very sad. Too many idiots breeders trying to make a buck...

Posted by: Young Bourbon Professional at June 28, 2005 04:08 PM (x+5JB)

5 I heard they are just training dogs for the next release of Day of the Dead. Now that we have zombie dogs, does that mean they can only be killed by destroying their brains?

Posted by: Butch at June 28, 2005 04:43 PM (Gqhi9)

6 That's right Butch. Kill the brain, and you kill the zombie.

Posted by: Carlos at June 28, 2005 04:46 PM (8e/V4)

7 If you have to kill the brain to kill the zombie, how do you kill dhimmicrats and leftards? It is well known that they have no brains. Come to think of it, they also have no heart, guts, or balls either. I think they're homunculae, or is it succubae? Anyway, speaking of no brain, heart, guts, or balls, I saw little Markos Zuniga on Fox a while ago. Apparently he was testifying before some committee about his Constitutional right to take money in exchange for whoring for anti-American causes under the protection of free speech. He is a shrimpy little guy who looks and sounds like he got picked on a lot in school. No wonder he hates real men, he's just a little bitchboy.

Posted by: Improbulus Maximus at June 28, 2005 05:52 PM (0yYS2)

8 Carlos: "That's right Butch. Kill the brain, and you kill the zombie." They're ALL messed up.

Posted by: Young Bourbon Professional at June 28, 2005 06:11 PM (kKf1R)

9 Now this is just not fair !!! On one hand ... there's serious moral, ethical matters about this ... But how can I totally be against this when it pisses off PETA ?!?!?!

Posted by: Jonathan at June 29, 2005 07:20 AM (6krEN)

10 Where's the CONSERVATIVE group that cares about animal treatment? Is there one??? One has to admit, the GOAL is a good one. I'd kind of like to see an army of rejuvenated dead dogs, ready to do our bidding...

Posted by: Young Bourbon Professional at June 29, 2005 09:28 AM (x+5JB)

11 Woof.

Posted by: osamabeenvotin' at June 29, 2005 12:02 PM (huFN9)

12 Screw PETA these bunch of jerks yammer about saving animals they want to force ttheir putrid vegetarian life styles on us so why dont PETA do us a favor and go swim in a ocean full of hungry sharks or swim the amazon when the piranahs are running

Posted by: sandpiper at June 29, 2005 08:02 PM (PAJqa)

13 Hahaha...man, just go to a vegan restaurant dressed in leather. It would be more fun for you to take it out on them that way. Keep asking, "Where the beef?" and "Where's my pork chops, motherfucker?" The interesting thing is, vegans can't hack it without supplements. Any nutritionist will tell you they end up developing a B12 deficiency over time and it really screws them over unless they pop a pill once in a while. REAL natural, that is, huh?

Posted by: osamabeenhiding at June 30, 2005 09:50 PM (huFN9)

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